My Bucket "Fucket" List

• I have PTSD. Fucket!
• I have Agent Orange Diabetes. Fucket!
• I have sexual dysfunction. Fucket!
• I can't feel my legs. Fucket!
• My arms are going numb too. Fucket!
• I have right ulna nerve pain. Fucket!
• I have flashbacks and nightmares. Fucket!
• I function best in complete isolation. Fucket!

Feel The Steel

I could never comprehend it
How anyone could decide to quit
It's the ultimate of depression
And the final digression

There's always been another path
To avoid this deadly wrath
Until just the other day
When I was ready to die away

I could feel the steel
In my hand so real
My finger on the trigger
To pull it with vigor

I didn't have a gun on me
Or a rope to hang from a tree
But the desire was so real
I was ready to seal the deal

How could it go this far
My thoughts were so bizarre
I slept on it over night
And avoided that deadly plight

I added up everything wrong with me
Decided that was somebody I didn't want to be
It was no longer worth being alive
With my health taking such a dive

The Wall

Visited The Wall for the first time today
Walked it for a minute but couldn't stay

Realized it was built underground
And there were gooks standing all around

Ironic to visit the memorial of my war
Then hear the language of the enemy I abhor

This is my country and my war isn't it?
Having the enemy here is not a good fit

I didn't know quite what to expect
But I never dreamed I'd object

Rewired

My brain has been rewired they say

Not the man I was back in the day

Seems there’s this amygdala section

That exists for my protection

All my junk is stored in there

It reminds me to beware

I’m different than I used to be

All because of this PTSD

Sometimes my circuits overload

My brain no longer meets code

I tried meds but they don’t work

Sometimes I think I’m going berserk

Can’t sleep much at night

I wake up in a fright

Is the amygdala vital for life

Let’s remove it to avoid this strife

Don't want to trip the master breaker
That would mean I've met my maker

22 vets each day flip their master switch
Their circuits hit a major glitch

Strategic Military Planning

The definition of strategic military planning is to build a VA clinic and PTSD counseling center directly under the final approach to a military air base where C-130's and jets are flying final approach at 300 feet overhead.

Veteran PTSD Prayer

Lord, grant me the strength
to accept the things I cannot change, 
the courage to change the things 
I can and the friends to post my bail 
when I snap and go sideways.

Motel California

Since some dance to remember
And some dance to forget

Then I medicate to forget
Just like every Vietnam Vet

I Live In A Cave

When I was young and running
I built a big log home that was stunning

Now that I'm older and crazy
I live in a cave and emotions are hazy

My Bucket List

For many of us seniors who still exist
A lot of us have a long bucket list
I've already had experiences is my decree
But my list rhymes with bucket, you see

Like...

• I won't try any more of your crazy meds. Bucket!
• I may eventually be one of the 22 each day. Bucket!
• I don't have enough reserve energy for romance anymore. Bucket!
• I'm going to live in a cave. Bucket!
• I can't think of any more right now. Bucket!

Uncomfortable Close

If I can hear your mortars
going down the tube,
you are getting too close to me.

The 7 VA Rules By Which We Live

Rule #1: The VA doctors and staff are always right.

Rule #2: When the VA staff ask how you’re doing, just grunt.

Rule #3: High powered VA doctors will diagnose you, but a high school drop out will evaluate your claim.

Rule #4: The VA staff will receive a pay check whether they assist you or not.

Rule #5: The VA staff don’t have to be polite or respectful, because there is no competition.

Rule #6: If VA staff did answer a question, the answer is probably outdated by now.

Rule #7: If a doctor or the VA staff is wrong about anything, see Rule #1.

Homeless Man As PTSD Therapy

A homeless man approached me on the street.
He thought my hot rod was really neat.

I could tell he knew a little bit about cars.
At least he wasn't hanging out in bars.

He was very excited at what he saw.
Several times he dropped his jaw.

We had fun talking about my hot rod.
For ten minutes I lifted my facade.

It felt so good to have a PTSD break.
For a short time I didn't have to be a fake.

When he left, I gave him a hundred dollar bill.
For him it was quite a thrill.

He said "Thank you very much. I won't buy beer."
I said, "Don't worry about it. I'm the winner here."

That was expensive therapy at $600 an hour.
But worth every penny, to feel that healing power.

Happy Tears

Seems I shed many tears these days
My triggers fire in so many ways

I wipe my tears as soon as I can
It has something to do with being a man

I don't want anyone to see me like this
Don't want them to know that something's amiss

Rarely do I shed tears of joy
When I do, I feel like a little boy

I don't wipe those happy tears away
I keep them as long as they will stay

Tears

My memories sometimes roll down my cheeks.

It's Difficult

It’s difficult to speak of my pain, because it’s painful to speak of my difficulties.

Silent Words Spoken

You can always spot a warrior who is broken,
By the expression of pain that is never spoken.

I Need Predictability

I position myself in public because,
I need predictability.

I search my immediate area because,
I need predictability.

I'm sensitive to sudden loud noise because,
I need predictability.

I warn people, "no surprises" because,
I need predictability.

I don't watch TV because,
I need predictability.

I watch only G movies because,
I need predictability.

I'll write one more line because,
I need predictability.

Boston Marathon Bombing

I just saw a news report about the Boston Marathon bombing trial.
The theme of the piece was to validate the emotional trauma of the aid givers caused by the blast and the resulting injured and dead.
The scene was described like this: People were down. People were screaming. People were bleeding. People were in pain.
There was a helpless feeling among the care givers with no supplies.
Bystanders used clothing from nearby retail stores as tourniquets.
The news piece was convincing how such a horrific experience could cause such emotional trauma
to the victims and to the people who gave aid during such a traumatic event.

Imagine that same scenario times 1000.

• What if it wasn't two people trying to kill you.
  It was 2000.

• What if it wasn't a home pressure cooker bomb
  It was a war bomb designed for maximum kills

• What if it wasn't one single blast
  It was unrelenting blasts all day and night long

• What if it wasn't just one day
  It was every day of the year
• What if it wasn't three people dead in one day
  It was 300 in one day
• What if there was no retail store around for supplies
  It was 9,000 miles to the closest retail store

• What if there weren't hundreds of people there on site to help with the wounded and dead
  It was only you

Shit. No wonder I'm fucking crazy and resentful.
Don't make me jump through so many VA hoops to prove how fucking sick I am.
All you have to do is watch the evening news for God's sake. Wake up!

PTSD Survival Kit

• Tissues
• Lots of psych pills
• Tissues
• Appointment book for VA doctors visits
• Tissues
• A long rope just in case they don't find a cure soon
• Have I mentioned tissues yet?

Invisible Scars

The worst thing you can do to veterans with an invisible wound,
is to make them prove how sick they are.

Usually, it’s a whole lot easier to have a visible scar.